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You've been gone three months now.

Dec. 3rd, 2012 | 09:11 am

  I've been slowly losing my will to keep going to school. To keep fighting. But it's always that thought of you that keeps me walking on.
I miss you Brandon. Like never before. And it hurts like hell.
At least when I last left home for school I could still talk to you, see you, whenever I felt the need. I suppose in a way I can still do that, I just can't hear you anymore.

I remember the last time you were sick and in the hospital. Mum told me not to cry until I reached you in Ottawa again, and I didn't. I held back my tears, and fought to keep my family together and strong while you underwent care. My uncle bought me a ticket to go see you and mum. I don't remember much of the flight or how I got to the hospital. All I remember is walking into that room and seeing you smile and try to laugh, even with that huge mask on your face. I remember thinking: There's my boy! And things turned around, you got better, we went home. And it was the best feeling in the world to have you back.

 I haven't been home in a month, I've either been busy, or weathered out.
I'm sorry I haven't been by to see you and clean up your site a little.
I'll keep my promise. I'll stay in school, and visit your site every chance I get.

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I don't have the words.

Nov. 27th, 2012 | 07:35 pm

 I'm too bitter, and angry to say anything nice. If I do, it just sounds spiteful, or sarcastic to me. I don't mean it to be, really I don't.
 I feel flooded with the stress of trying to make it through college.
This sublet is something I had to do in order to have a roof over my head. It was gratifying for a few months, but now that the agreement is coming closer to being done, over with, I'm in an agonizing amount of stress.
 I've had exams, and more coming up, I've watched our funds fade away, trying to deal with my grief, my worry of passing classes, making sure we're both fed, and then having to chase down a new place to move for the next 5 months. Oh, and then there's the matter of my broken car (that won't start anymore). All these money issues. I hate it.

Some days I just feel like giving up. Like saying "HEY, ok. Whoever the fuck you are. You win. I give. I'm done, take what's left of my fight and just leave me here to fade away"

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Nov. 5th, 2012 | 12:05 am

It's been a while since I lasted posted.

This summer/fall has been the hardest, and the most life changing time for me.
I applied for a Culinary Skill-Chef program and was accepted. I managed to get all my stuff together, I found funding, a place to stay, and a ride. August 28th was orientation for the program, school had started on September 4th.

September 2nd, 2012. Will forever be etched into my mind. It's the day I lost the love of my life, the one boy I helped take care of for 19 years of his, mine and my family's life. My baby brother, Brandon.
 His funeral was held on the 8th, the wake was just the day before.
It's still hard to think that he's gone, and that I will never hear his version of talking, or his big heart-filled laughed and huge smile.
Brandon was unique. He was the glue of our family.
He depended on us for everything: He couldn't chew food like we do, he couldn't walk or stand on his own, he couldn't talk like we do. Brandon had his own ways of telling us what he needed, what he didn't like, who he didn't like or trust, and he certainly let us know what kind of food he loved!

I miss him every god damn day.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking "Why am I bothering to push myself so hard for this course now that he's gone?" I have to force myself to remember that I made him a promise to do so, and that I would graduate.

I know for a fact that losing him has changed me. It has broken my heart, and I know that I'm even more difficult to deal with.

And I'm angry. Angry that he was taken from me. I think I will be angry, and prone to crying for quite a while. I accept that.
I will say one thing I am glad for.
I'm glad I got to sleep by his side, one last time, before he left me.

I'm also a little angry, sad, and annoyed that my life away from my mom and siblings isn't how I wanted it to be. The silence bothers me the most. Not having anyone to lean on. "Staying strong" is probably what's taking a toll on me.

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